The Chump List - 2008

Here's a list of those who had to do 2008 all over again, they would:

10 Eddie Murphy. He's reportedly set to be The Riddler for the next Batman movie. Then riddle me this movie fan -- how can this once funny performer star in such dreadful movies? And we're not talking merely dreadful, we're talking legendarily dreadful. His most recent flick Meet Dave had bad reviews and even worse box office receipts.

9. Jeff Zucker. The solution when you cannot schedule 22 hours of compelling prime time programming? (Actually, 19 because Saturday is complete with reruns, er, make that "encore presentations.") Cut it down five hours by reliving the glory of the Merv Griffin era -- with five hours of Jay Leno a week. This may save the Peacock a buck or two but nobody wins by playing defense. It certainly does not help that that NBC's only Top Twenty show happens to be football.

8. Dick Fuld. It takes a special CEO to destroy a century old institution. It takes an exceptional CEO to look like a jerk defending his performance before a Congressional Committee. Add Dick Fuld to the lexicon of four letter words.

7. Isiah Thomas. It's one thing to be a poor coach. It doesn't help when you're an inept GM either -- you guarantee that even when you're gone -- the team will be awful. However, you're in a league of your own when you throw your daughter under the bus when you can't cope with your failures.

6. Chris Cox. I'm sure he's a nice guy but if there ever was a wrong man at the wrong place at the wrong time, it's been Chris Cox as head of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 2008.

5. Rosie O'Donnell. Her NBC variety show was a bigger bomb than an Air Force daisy cutter. First you have the talent. When the talent fades, you ramp up the shock value. When the shock value fades, you sadly become irrelevant. In medical circles this is known as Roseanne Barr Syndrome.

4. Elliot Spitzer. Some think that deep down inside, he never wanted to be governor. He ran for the job to please his demanding father and make something of himself. Therefore, he consorted with a prostitute to ensure his downfall. Me? I think he wanted to have sex with a hot (and totally vapid) chick.

3. Roger Clemens. There are few things more joyful than a bully getting his due. He got busted in the Mitchell Report big time. Of course, nobody his age, improves their game. You can certainly slow the deterioration but to get better? C'mon! So he goes to Congress to clear his name and only looks more foolish and then tosses Mrs. C. under the bus to save his own skin. He won't need caller ID to know that Cooperstown won't be calling. Somewhere, Mike Piazza is having a laugh.

2. John Edwards. If you're going to cheat on your wife, follow these rules. 1. Don't cheat with a hag. 2. Don't cheat when your wife is battling cancer (even if it's in remission). 3. Don't procreate in the process. 4. Don't run for the Presidency if you fail to comply with rules 1-3. 5. If all else fails and you're caught -- don't offer lame denials.

1. O.J. Simpson. Think about it -- you beat a double murder rap, what could happen in a bungled armed robbery? Another walk? Hardly. You just don't mess with karma. The downside is that the "real killer" can now play golf without looking over his shoulder.

Congratulations to all. Here's hoping that 2009 won't be as miserable.